Agonizing Edward
by Belts
Summary: People send in letters to Edward, asking for his romantic advice. Edward replies. And often, he is not happy.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Edward,

_Dear Edward,_

_There's this boy that I really like. What am I going to do? He doesn't go to my school, and he's a bit older than me, but I love him so much. The problem is, he already has a girlfriend and I think that he hates me. Please give me some advice._

_- Lone Wolf_

**Lone Wolf,**

**Please do not write to me again. There is nothing I can do to help you. I am engaged to my Bella and I'm not into guys. Especially not werewolves. I can hear your thoughts and I know what you've been thinking about me, Jacob. I hope I never see you again.**

**- Edward**

_Dear Edward,_

_I really need your help. I've fallen in love with someone, someone I can never ever be with. And I want to be with him, so much! I really don't know what to do. This boy, this … man … I truly love him, but he's in love with someone else. My daughter._

_- Chief Troubled_

**Charlie,**

**I'm marrying your daughter. Once we have said our vows, we are going to leave Forks and you. We will not leave a forwarding address or a phone number. Hopefully you will forget we ever existed and I will never see you again.**

**- Edward**

_Dear Edward,_

_Help. I'm in love with my son. I'm not inbred, I swear. But he's just so hot. What the puck am I going to do? God, I feel wrong inside._

_- Not Inbred_

**Not Inbred,**

**Carlisle, that's disgusting. Stop thinking those thoughts. Esme is ashamed of you.**

**- Edward**

_Dear Edward,_

_My son is in love with another man and it disgusts me, but after a while I realised that I was in love with the same man! My son and I have been bitch-fighting about it a lot lately. Whatever shall I do?_

_Much love,_

_A Broken-Hearted Old Man_

**Billy,**

**Ew. I know Jacob is in love with me, but you? I find that even more disturbing. Gah, men! I can't wait to leave this shit-hole of a town. Goodbye, Billy.**

**- Edward**

_Dear Edward,_

_Will you go out with me?_

_Love, Jessica._

**Jessica,**

**No.**

**- Edward**

_Eddy,_

_Your hair is so perfect! How can I make my hair the same?_

_- Hairless_

**Mike,**

**Seriously? I don't even brush my hair in the morning. I'm sorry, but there's just nothing you can do to make yourself as great-looking as me.**

**- Edward**

_Dear Edward,_

_My boyfriend is a vampire and I really want him to make me into one too, so that we can be together forever. But he keeps refusing! He thinks that I'll lose my soul or something. I'm just so frustrated! And my sex life isn't so great, either. My idiot boyfriend has all these rules._

_- In Need Of Love_

**Dear In Need Of Love,**

**I know it's you, Bella. And we've discussed this before.**

**Love, Edward.**

**PS - Our sex life is great! What are you talking about?**

end of chapter one

A/N - If you want to send in your own letter to Edward, from anyone, please say so in your review, and Edward will reply in the next chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Edward,I like someone, but he's not available

_Dear Edward,_

_I like someone, but he's not available. His girlfriend isn't that great, and I know I could be so much better! And for fun, he writes to people looking for romance advice. Isn't that coolio?_

_Love Lots,_

_ILoveSomeoneNamedEdwardButHeIsNotYou_

**To ILoveSomeoneNamedEdwardButHeIsNotYou,**

**I have but one piece of advice for you.**

**DIE!**

**I don't know who you think you are, or indeed, who you are, but I don't ever want to speak to you again. Not that I ever have. Okay? You are not in need of my advice, so why did you even bother writing to me. Remove thyself from my presence forever more.**

**- Edward**

_Dear Edward :)_

_Marry me! Forget Bella, she is not good enough for you! I love you and I would never have cheated on you, unlike her when she kissed Jacob! I love you and I always will ... oh, and if you refuse, I will kill her! Jajajaja (evil laugh). Love you!_

_Crazy.For.You!_

**To Crazy.For.You,**

**Fuck off, you psycho bitch. I have no idea who you are and this is an advice column, not a personal ad.**

**- Edward**

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm deeply in love with someone. I would have confessed my feelings to him by now, but there is one teensy tiny problem: he doesn't exist. At least, not as a real existing person, but as a character. What should I do?! I've fallen too deeply in love with him to forget him, but it's impossible to love someone who you can't hold or kiss or... ARGH!_

_On a side note ... you need a better sex life. Seriously._

_- Sally, Insane_

**Sally,**

**I strongly suggest that you visit your local pharmacy as soon as possible. Once there, go straight to the aisle that contains the sleeping pills. I want you to buy two bottles of these (though one should suffice, if you are low on cash) and take them home with you.**

**Once you are at your house, lock the door from the inside. Then proceed to swallow all of the pills. This should adequately cure you of all your problems.**

**- Edward**

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm having a slight trouble. I have these huge urges to kill people. Lately I really have been wanting to kill Mike Newton. I crave blood. I think I might be a mindless killer. I need blood._

_-Gallons of the Stuff._

**Bella,**

**Put the gun down.**

**- Edward.**


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Edward,

I am not, I mean NOT, going to kill myself! He has to be out there somewhere! I just have to find a way ... Do you have any other suggestions? Life is too sweet to part with just yet ...

Oh, by the way ... Who wants sleeping pills? XD

- Sally, Insane, Still In Love

**Sally,**

**You have refused to take my advice. You will therefore suffer the consequences. I have no more to offer you.**

**- Edward**

Dear Edward;

I really love someone ... but he is fictional. And he is not really entirely human ... but I love him anyway. I really want to know what to do. I'm going crazy here!

Love 4ever,

Werewolf luver.

P.S. Just give in to Bella. It will make her happy.

**Werewolf lover,**

**Firstly, there is nothing I can do to help your delusions, except suggest you see your psychiatrist. Not a psychologist, a psychiatrist - we're bringing in the big guns for this one. Secondly ... werewolf lover? Have you _smelt_ those things? Clearly you are delusional.**

**- Edward**

Dearest Edward,

I have this problem, where people write to you asking for advice about how much they crave you.

What insanity is this?

Please, do tell.

Yours forever,

LSD.

**Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds,**

**That is not your problem, it is mine. And it's not a problem. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not sorry.**

**- Edward**

My lover,

Meet me in the meadow at twilight, tonight. I have a surprise for you!

Love, Bella.

**My Bella,**

**I am certain that your surprise involves you meeting me at the meadow wearing nothing but your engagement ring.**

**I'll be there.**

**Love, Edward.**

Emmett got up from the computer after writing his last reply and smirked to himself. All those fools had actually believed they were writing to Edward!

And now, tonight, he was going to finally have his way with Bella ...

Edward got pwned.


End file.
